In search of death

Published August 18, 2014 by ANA'sone

I really kinda feel like that is what we are after sometimes. As I sit here in my observation room at the hospital yet again I am quite discouraged. I keep getting angry at myself for muffing it up this whole suicide thing but then I was reminded by the hospital CAC worker tonight as he said” you have been suicidal pretty much your whole life who do you think it is keeping you alive all those times?

I have no doubt it is a GOD I feel so lost from. ONE who’s doors I don’t dare to even darken with my shadow anymore.

So long it’s been since I walked this road it is hard not to feel like a failure right now. I realize I just did 30 days inpatient but it has been almost 14 years prior to that before taking my life was a daily battle. Now not even on the outside for 4 whole days I am back to my prison. Only worse. They cannot find a facility to take me. The one I just got out feels I need a more structured placement like a state hospital. Due to my eating disorder and a lot of places are refusing room on this alone because treating one is so complicated.

While I can take a Family Medical Leave of Absence it is unpaid and I have no idea how I will afford rent next month nor pay all my bills. I guess one plus side is at least I won’t have therapy bill anymore. I want to scream at her and say weren’t you the one who pointed out all the traumas that I had been through that recently brought up my PTSD and yet the day of my discharge you send me an email saying we can no longer work together? As I sit in this cold sterile room I remember crying and saying what if they keep me two months and you fill up all your time slots? And she replied yeah right fill your time slot? You gotta work a lot harder then that to get rid of me.

And so I have it. The picture of why my heart aches right now.
I am that little puppy that got dropped off at the dog pound who doesn’t understand why and watches as his life drives away without him. That’s me right now. And I think all I want to do is curl up in a ball and refuse all water and food because they are coming back right???

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Death is coming *triggering for talk of weight and death****

Published August 16, 2014 by ANA'sone

So I just spent a month inpatient. Wish I could say it made a big difference but I can’t. Truth is no bed available at an eating disorder clinic so I just want to a regular psych ward. Their requirement was enough calories to still come out several hundred below a “starvation” diet. In all I lost another 25lbs. ANA is slowly killing me. And I wish it mattered but it doesn’t. As I get discharged and set up to see my therapist she sends an email saying she is no longer willing to work with me and that this was agreed upon by my inpatient treatment team. This is a lie. She just doesn’t want to have to deal with the reality of my life because it isn’t easy. I was right to cut my friends and family out. She only confirms this. Couple more weeks should do it for my heart arrhythmia. So goes life. Hope has long faded.

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Truth is I welcome it

I should be scared more then anything… But I am only filled with anger at the moment.

Published August 8, 2014 by ANA'sone

It’s really quite stupid. There are a million people out the dying who are desperate to live and yet will not. And there is one lost soul here wanting to die and yet I will live. Oh I know I will die eventually but not when I am ready. Not when I have come to the end of myself and can no longer find even the strength or energy to even find the strength to pick up one foot. Seems so unfair. I passed out yesterday at the med counter didn’t even realize what was going on till I woke up on the floor. Vitals and everything were good so they didn’t send me to ER thank goodness. Later on I went to get meds again and felt like I should lay my head down but just turn around ands sat on the floor. My nurse came flying out cause she knew. She listened to my heart and then sent for the doc. He ordered and EKG. It had no sooner printed and my nurse without saying a word was out the door. Next thing I know I am getting sent to the ER. Fluids and an antibiotic later and I am back to the prison. Then this morning the PA comes and sits me down and says what your heart is doing is not ok. Every time it beats like that you risk a heart attack and it’s my job to keep you safe so we are sending you back to the hospital until they can get this a-fib under control and then you will come back here and finish settling out my medications.

An I just keep thinking leave me the fuck alone. This is what I want. I am done and tired and ready to be done so please stop all these extra Measure to keep me alive when I am done want to be. I just laid here crying in the bed with my arms warmed in blankets so they might be able to find a vein to put fluids.! JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!”” I know what I want and this is not it!

I am such a lost and lonely suicidal, mangled mess of a person how could I expect anyone to understand. My nurse says “I tell my kids their body is like a car gotta put food in it to get it to work”

And all I can think is this dump needs to go the heap. This old jalopy cannot is beyond.

And I am angry that I am alive. And it is not just a small bitterness but a large engulfing one for being alive when all you want to do is stop breathing. How selfish am I?

Let the buzzards come clean this rotting caucus.

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Feeling the air sucked out

Published July 25, 2014 by ANA'sone

My tank has been empty for a while and physically from the overdose and the meds to counter act it and not eating or drinking for four days and now no family and my world just keeps getting smaller and smaller and I feel like I am a four year old wandering in the dark sense forest at night lost and cold and forgotten and scared but at the same time hoping a tiger or monster will come out and just eat me to get this over with because my hands and knees are scraped and bruised and bleeding and I can barely pick up one foot in front of the other and though it would hurt to be eaten at first eventually it would be such a sweet release cause I can’t breath or see or find any light and I don’t know how I can continue doing this.
That’s brutal and I shouldn’t say that it’s not fair but it’s honestly how I feel.

I am falling apart

Published July 23, 2014 by ANA'sone

“I want to paint my face
And pretend that I am someone else
Sometimes I get so fed up
I don’t even want to look at myself

But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don’t want you to think I’m complaining all the time
And I hate the way you look at me I have to say
I wish I could start over

[Chorus]
I am slowly falling apart
I wish you’d take a walk in my shoes for a start
You might think it’s easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty

Sometimes I find myself shaking
In the middle of the night
And then it hits me and I can’t
Even believe this is my life

But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don’t want you to think I’m complaining all the time
And I wish that everyone would go and shut their mouths
I’m not strong enough to deal with it”

Today is just such difficult day I am falling apart faster then I can hold myself together. I went to the gym this morning and then after I am about 30 minutes in a girl comes who has an eating disorder too and my brain just starts going crazy. Stupid ANA. She just keeps screaming how fat I am compared to this girl and I am starting to have a panic attack. I just kept pushing myself though. But then people get on machines on both sides of me and I can’t handle that. I am not a claustrophobic person but when it comes to working out I need my space. So I switch to running on the treadmill and more people come and it happens again and I just lose it. This is why I work out after midnight because I don’t have to deal with people. In public it is not so hard but at the gym I just don’t know why it feels that way.

So I come home and all I can think is I want to cut and swallow a whole bottle of pills because I am so fucking sick of this stupid life. Never a break. I hate ANA!!!! I hate my life!!!! And yet I am not strong enough to fight her and take back my life.

So instead I chop 12 inches off my hair hoping that cutting my hair will satisfy the need to cut. But I am struggling so much right now I don’t know if I can make it through the day and not cut. It has been 6 weeks and I don’t want to blow that I just can’t seem to manage the tsunami of emotions rolling inside of me right now. As the tears stream down my face all I can think is I just want this to be over. I just want peace.

How did I get here? I can’t believe this is my life. I am not strong enough to deal with this.

Is it 6pm yet

Published July 21, 2014 by ANA'sone

Although I absolutely love my job and my little angels. Today has been incredibly difficult to be at work. I have found myself going back and forth between trying to hold in the tears, anxiety ridden and just wanting to walk out the door.

It’s a blessing and a curse to have the next two days off. I am just so very tired I need sleep but I also know it will be the devils playground for my ANA behaviors to threaten things.

My world gets smaller and smaller as I go. I have had a friend I have kept at bay for a while. Most people don’t know how to see me as anything else but the strong one so when I am transparent it usually gets me in trouble and I often go through more trouble then it’s worth. But this friend has kind of been unrelenting and so I finally opened up and now there is nothing but silence. Of course my mind fills in all the gaps but I still feel like I made a horrible decision today.
It is best to keep people at a distance because the person who is at the bottom of who I am is a broken mess and people just don’t know how to handle it.

Hope is not something I seem to have even a drop of today.

If there ever is a tomorrow

Published July 20, 2014 by ANA'sone

“If ever there is a tomorrow when we’re not together… there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.”

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