Loaded in an ambulances and headed to inpatient treatment. Today has been utterly exhausting and I almost walked out of the hospital I had to go through for medical clearance to be able to go to the clinic three or four times. My poor therapist. She was on call today which was a bonus for me. She was patient and waited the 4 hours it took me to decide to come in. She was patient when I refused to be sent to the psych observation unit when I just needed blood work done. She was patient when I refused to drink or take an IV. She was patient when I kept saying I can’t do this. She was patient when I told her I was driving not going by ambulance. She was patient all night. Up until the point I told her I was leaving because if I couldn’t have the freedom to drive myself down and smoke when I am about to give up all sense of control for good gravy who knows how long then get me my close and she got loud. I have never heard her use this tone with me. She threatened committal, she threw up her hands and said fine I will drive you. “No thanks” she said the hospital was going to petition me. All of it which I know was just frustration from me being so stubborn and her fear that if I walked out that door she would never see me again. And she would have probably been right.
They declared me unable to drive because I have been passing out upon standing. Fair enough but I am about to go cold turkey from smoking so if I want to be able to smoke a pack on the way down so it is.
But right now I am sitting in the ambulance on my way downstate to ForrestView for their Eating Disorder program. Fun times.
She has been such a big supporter and had worked hard to get the funding for me to do this since my insurance still hasn’t been settled yet. She has given her all and I so often Ask why. After our Duke it out battle and I accepted this to be what it is, I had a complete meltdown and sobbed because ANA screaming in my head was so loud and I honestly am not sure I want to fight for my life. She came in and just kept brushing my hair back and rubbing my shoulder saying it’s ok. You tell that little girl it isn’t her fault. How in the world after all I put her through that day could she find compassion for me? And when all the paperwork was signed and transport settle she came in to say goodbye. I started crying again and thanked her profusely. Then she said “I am so happy you are taking this opportunity. I think about you all the time I dream about you I worry all week about you. I was fearful I would get a call in the morning saying you were found dead in the woods”
I have been blessed with an awesome therapist.
I let all my families know I was leaving tonight for a while which still feels like an epic fail. I hate it. I should be stronger then this.
In the process of this I was sending a the process of sending a text to one of the moms who’s son I was going to spend the day with this Saturday and her fiancé said hey it me she left her phone unattended. We talk she ask if I want company I said yes but I wasn’t sure how long till my wheels would get here. She asked if I was ready for help. I said yes and no. Next thing I know the phone is back in the hands of who it belongs to and Mac had “stepped out” oh I knew what that meant. I was about to be Mac-afied if she had enough time to make it before the ambulance got here. Sure enough the nurse comes in and says you have a visitor I say her name before the nurse can and she says yes! Those two aren’t as sneaky as they think they are 😜 LOL!
But it was amazing. Strange in the sense I don’t let people visit me when I am in. My parents have been the exception to this when we were still a family and I hadn’t shut them out. But in the moment she walked in the room I was so glad to see her. I can’t explain it. I used to be terrified of being
Mac-afied but I no longer fear this once illusive stranger. She gets down to the nitty gritty which is always easy but her heart overflows with love for others. And I needed that tonight. We got cut short because the bus came but still I was grateful for our time together. It’s a beautifully strange thing. But I like that. Couldn’t see it any other way.
Got to talk briefly to a dear sweet friend going in for major back surgery. Frustrated I won’t be there to support her for a while but if you could send come prayers and good thoughts that would be fab! Much love to the OCD queen😘😘😘
So I guess this is it. I am off to decide if I am going to fight for my GOS (grain of sand) or let it go completely. I still can’t tell you. Mac helped push it further into my sight tonight. But I still don’t know if there is anything worth saving here.
I get no access to electronics…. Yes Michigan is archaic and doesn’t allow you cell phones or iPads in treatment. So I will be signing off for a while. How long no way of knowing.
All I know is I am heading to Grand Rapids Michigan to face of with a monster or a GOS. Either I let go of one and grab the other and live…. Or I cling to what I have and let go of the other and seal my fate. So be it,
Much love to all on here!!! Stay strong I will miss you much and pray safety and health and happiness for everyone! Seize the day if you dare!
Thanks to everyone who has loved me and cared for me and prayed for me and not given up. It might it seem like it at moments but it means the world to me and sends tiny shards of light piercing into the darkness.