Here we go…

Published October 19, 2014 by ANA'sone

Loaded in an ambulances and headed to inpatient treatment. Today has been utterly exhausting and I almost walked out of the hospital I had to go through for medical clearance to be able to go to the clinic three or four times. My poor therapist. She was on call today which was a bonus for me. She was patient and waited the 4 hours it took me to decide to come in. She was patient when I refused to be sent to the psych observation unit when I just needed blood work done. She was patient when I refused to drink or take an IV. She was patient when I kept saying I can’t do this. She was patient when I told her I was driving not going by ambulance. She was patient all night. Up until the point I told her I was leaving because if I couldn’t have the freedom to drive myself down and smoke when I am about to give up all sense of control for good gravy who knows how long then get me my close and she got loud. I have never heard her use this tone with me. She threatened committal, she threw up her hands and said fine I will drive you. “No thanks” she said the hospital was going to petition me. All of it which I know was just frustration from me being so stubborn and her fear that if I walked out that door she would never see me again. And she would have probably been right.

They declared me unable to drive because I have been passing out upon standing. Fair enough but I am about to go cold turkey from smoking so if I want to be able to smoke a pack on the way down so it is.

But right now I am sitting in the ambulance on my way downstate to ForrestView for their Eating Disorder program. Fun times.

She has been such a big supporter and had worked hard to get the funding for me to do this since my insurance still hasn’t been settled yet. She has given her all and I so often Ask why. After our Duke it out battle and I accepted this to be what it is, I had a complete meltdown and sobbed because ANA screaming in my head was so loud and I honestly am not sure I want to fight for my life. She came in and just kept brushing my hair back and rubbing my shoulder saying it’s ok. You tell that little girl it isn’t her fault. How in the world after all I put her through that day could she find compassion for me? And when all the paperwork was signed and transport settle she came in to say goodbye. I started crying again and thanked her profusely. Then she said “I am so happy you are taking this opportunity. I think about you all the time I dream about you I worry all week about you. I was fearful I would get a call in the morning saying you were found dead in the woods”

I have been blessed with an awesome therapist.

I let all my families know I was leaving tonight for a while which still feels like an epic fail. I hate it. I should be stronger then this.

In the process of this I was sending a the process of sending a text to one of the moms who’s son I was going to spend the day with this Saturday and her fiancé said hey it me she left her phone unattended. We talk she ask if I want company I said yes but I wasn’t sure how long till my wheels would get here. She asked if I was ready for help. I said yes and no. Next thing I know the phone is back in the hands of who it belongs to and Mac had “stepped out” oh I knew what that meant. I was about to be Mac-afied if she had enough time to make it before the ambulance got here. Sure enough the nurse comes in and says you have a visitor I say her name before the nurse can and she says yes! Those two aren’t as sneaky as they think they are 😜 LOL!

But it was amazing. Strange in the sense I don’t let people visit me when I am in. My parents have been the exception to this when we were still a family and I hadn’t shut them out. But in the moment she walked in the room I was so glad to see her. I can’t explain it. I used to be terrified of being
Mac-afied but I no longer fear this once illusive stranger. She gets down to the nitty gritty which is always easy but her heart overflows with love for others. And I needed that tonight. We got cut short because the bus came but still I was grateful for our time together. It’s a beautifully strange thing. But I like that. Couldn’t see it any other way.

Got to talk briefly to a dear sweet friend going in for major back surgery. Frustrated I won’t be there to support her for a while but if you could send come prayers and good thoughts that would be fab! Much love to the OCD queen😘😘😘

So I guess this is it. I am off to decide if I am going to fight for my GOS (grain of sand) or let it go completely. I still can’t tell you. Mac helped push it further into my sight tonight. But I still don’t know if there is anything worth saving here.

I get no access to electronics…. Yes Michigan is archaic and doesn’t allow you cell phones or iPads in treatment. So I will be signing off for a while. How long no way of knowing.

All I know is I am heading to Grand Rapids Michigan to face of with a monster or a GOS. Either I let go of one and grab the other and live…. Or I cling to what I have and let go of the other and seal my fate. So be it,

Much love to all on here!!! Stay strong I will miss you much and pray safety and health and happiness for everyone! Seize the day if you dare!

Thanks to everyone who has loved me and cared for me and prayed for me and not given up. It might it seem like it at moments but it means the world to me and sends tiny shards of light piercing into the darkness.

ER fun *possible triggers***

Published October 18, 2014 by ANA'sone

Ended up in ER last night after work. I had such severe back pain on both sides I couldn’t stand it. The doctor wanted to do an IV of course after having found out my eating or lack there of and my passing out twice. I told him I didn’t want one he can just draw lab work to make sure everything is ok. He refused saying i would be leaving AMA so after crying and explaining I didn’t want to gain weight I relented I was just so miserable.

Turns out I have an infection that has back up into my non working kidneys and of course I was severely dehydrated but that part I knew. He wanted to admit me for observation to make sure my white blood cell count didn’t get out of control and that I could keep down the medicine they gave me. And also to give me a continuous IV. I told him I just couldn’t.

After the first bag of IV fluids he said he couldn’t release me until I had a second one because my blood pressure was still 90/39. So of course I cried more. All I could think of is how each bag weighed two pounds and I would be four pounds heavier now. What a messed up head. Forget I am lying there with my body shutting down I just don’t want to weigh more.

Then 8 hours later he said he needed to recheck my blood sugar because it was low when I came in. Of course it was even lower and he said listen I can put something in your IV that will go through your veins straight to your brain that needs it right now. And I said it has calories though doesn’t it? Yes it does but I can’t release you or give you meds if it continues to drop because you could be driving and run into a tree if it drops any lower. So I cried the whole time the nurse was pushing the gigantic needle of dextrose into my IV. And again I am lying there with my body shutting down and all I can think is that is 170 calories totally ruining my 6 days of no calories.

Now I am sitting in a parking lot wanting to cut. Tylenol calls to me. And I just want to run away. I don’t want to be locked up. I don’t want treatment. I want an end. I am too tired of this endless battle which I cannot seem to conquer.

I just think it would be better to drive off and disappear and find some two track to hide on and let this monster take me. I feel utterly ruined.

Sitting in a parking lot hoping to keep warm enough to get some sleep because I am exhausted. Tired to the end of my soul. Empty of life and hope. I don’t know what I am going to do. I am impulsive and feel trapped and so much guilt for leaving these families without help. So if I have to fail at that I might as well go all the way right? So my brain says. I don’t know if I can survive till tomorrow when I am supposed to get more blood work done and then be driven down to GR to be locked up.

I am just so lost.

And tired.

And in need of peace.

Treatment

Published October 17, 2014 by ANA'sone

So treatment it is. I have no choice. I was so overwhelmed I broke down and cried for 45 minutes. I am still not sure I want to even try it. The catch is I have to be medically cleared at a hospital first and they don’t accept eating disorder patients on the weekends. So I have to some how find a way to survive that long. Not only am I impulsive right now because I am so overwhelmed by then I won’t have had any food for 8 days. And I already passed out last night.

Once again epic fail. Fail at so many things. I don’t want to be locked up. I don’t want to have to go through an ER to be poked and prodded and talked about in whispers behind the glass when I can clearly hear them. Now I have to let all my families know I am leaving…. Again.

I suck. I have so much anger and hatred for myself right now. I can’t even put it in to words. And you have to go through a review board to be “accepted” into the trauma program so I have to start off in the eating disorder program. Which may sound confusing right now because clearly it is what is “killing me” is how my therapist put it in order to get “short term funding” for my treatment. Problem is there is always games being played in ED centers. Atleast that is how it has been my experience around here. And I took a friend there in February and some of the things she talked about were reminiscent of the games I saw played before.

I don’t really have time for games. I am beyond that. ANA will whisper lots in my ears to try to get me to play them but I don’t see it as a game any more I see it for what it is. A monster who is literally eating me alive and it is life or death at this point.

And short term? I asked my therapist how long does that mean? She said lets not worry about that right now. Let’s just get you there. I said I don’t want to go if it is just a quick two weeks and then send me out for a relapse. I can’t deal with that. I might as well just die right now.

I just want this all to stop. I don’t want to breathe anymore because it hurts so much. It’s terrible that I hope for my heart to give out before then.

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I am just exhausted at this point and don’t want this anymore. I am tired of the fight. Nothing seems worth it right now.

I had already told my therapist I was done. Then I sat in the bathroom sobbing and a friend came and said either you call your therapist back and tell her you are going or I will call an ambulance. No options.

I am just really tired and worn out.

And just feel like an epic fail

Petition

Published October 17, 2014 by ANA'sone

Got a voicemail from my therapist this morning at 10 saying she was calling for an update to find out if I had had some nutrition like a boost so she wouldn’t have to go forward with the petition.

Oh my gosh

I called her back and said that I tried but couldn’t do it last night. But that I did drink some water.

She said water is not enough. That I needed nutrition with calories. I said it’s not that easy Ursula I tried but my brain just won’t let me. She replied “then you need to be in the hospital if your brain won’t let you.”

I explained that I got my schedule late last night for this next week and I am training someone next week a couple days and then we just need one more person and then I have two shifts next weekend that I have to do before I can go. I just need a couple weeks first. She said we don’t have that long and I can’t let you keep doing this.

I tried to explain why I can’t go right now but in a couple weeks and she cut me off and said those are your two options go drink a boost or I will get a petition. Said she would call back in a couple hours to check with me.

I am so overwhelmed right now. I just can’t go. I don’t want to be locked up. I don’t want to live anymore. I just want to be left alone. I had all three kids in bed last night and was just hanging out under the covers with three shirts and a jacket on cause I was cold. About 11 I was starting to get warm and so I got up to take my jacket off and woke up on the floor between the bed and the wall. I get it. I get that this is serious. But I think it was just my blood sugar cause I haven’t passed out since.

I don’t want to be locked up.

I have taken a boost out of the freezer and took my valium to try and calm down to try and drink one but it just is too much. ANA will not stop and the screaming noise in my head is so loud.

I can’t do this. Any of it.

I want to be home in the safety of my family. I want to not hurt so much. I want this nightmare that goes through every 24 hours to be done.

I just can’t do this. She can’t petition me she just can’t. And I can’t drink that boost so why can’t we just leave things alone. Let me get through these next couple of weeks. That’s my focus that’s what needs to happen.

I just can’t and this threat just makes me impulsive

I am screaming at the top of my lungs!

Make the noise stop please

I just want to be home. I want to be safe.

Not living in this hurricane.

I am too tired.

Just go they say…. But the truth of the matter is

Published October 16, 2014 by ANA'sone

I am tired

So very very tired

I don’t say that others say “just go” lightly. I know they say it because they care. Because some love me and want me to be whole again. I appreciate it. I am grateful for all those GOD has placed in my life who care and love me. I am most fortunate to be so blessed.

The truth of the matter is I am just plain tired. So very very tired.

Leaving behind my kiddos and their families is not that easy. And in the end I know when I die I will do just that. I am human and selfish. I get it. I brow beat myself enough for this.

It’s just that I am too tired at this point. Going to treatment means facing off with my demons. It means looking the monster right in the face and the very thought levels me. I don’t have that kind of strength anymore. That I guess is the whole point. I don’t want to fight anymore. I just want an end to this. Spending a month or two in treatment means endless days of fighting to save a life I don’t want to save anymore.

And I am afraid. Afraid because if CMH funds it as soon as I am doing the tiniest bit better they will stop funding. I had this happen when I went through this years ago. I start doing better and they say send her home long before I have had time for what I have fought for and spent hours battling to sink in to real healing. Then I go home and face the same darkness and tend to relapse. Why in the world would I want to go that route again.

I want this to end now. Or as soon as possible. The thought of having to fight through months of recovery seem like a tsunami ragingly pulling me out to sea and no matter how hard I reach for air I am sucked farther under.

It’s weak. I don’t pretend it to be anything other then the cheap way out.

I am just tired. So very very tired.

I am tired of fighting. Tired of losing things and those I love. I am tired of the ever looming thought of a relapse. I swore I never wanted to come back here. It’s just so dark and the screaming in my head deafening. I appreciate my therapist trying to get me to drink a boost. It’s just that the screaming voice in my head isn’t quite as loud if I don’t. It isn’t a sense of accomplishment to not eat. Sure ANA says it is but those are hollow words to me. I don’t want to lose weight to be skinny because it will make me happy. I have no need to be perfect because I already know I am not. I don’t look at the scale and feel a sense of gratification because the number keeps falling and soon everyone will like me. I am a bit of an anomaly in my struggle with ANA this way. ANA to me of course starts out as a way to gain some control when I feel life is spinning out of control. But really quite quickly it becomes a way to annihilate myself. Forced to look in the mirror I cannot stand what I see. Yes the fat distorted imagine I see bothers me. But more importantly the monster I see staring back at me is so hideous I will go to great lengths to destroy it.

Each pound I lose is another piece of that monster I destroy and make disappear. Yes it makes me disappear too but to me it is the small price I pay to wipe out the evil I see. I NEED that monster to be gone. And I cannot separate myself from it so that means I go too. I am ok with that.

It’s weird for others to hear that I am ok with where this road is taking me. I know those who love me are mortified that I would choose such an end and many find that selfish. I am sure they are more then right. This isn’t the only time I have been wrong before. I wish I could undo my life and all the pain I have caused others. Had I never been born then in my brokenness I wouldn’t be hurting so many now. It is why I have distanced myself from so many. I know it has caused great frustration and anger and confusion and hurt.

Though others might not understand or see it this way I am trying to minimize the casualties. Better you hurt when I walk away then all through this battle and when I am buried.

I long for things still. I long for my family. To see them. To hear my dad say “my daughter” to get a hug from my mother, to see my sister and brother. To see my biological brother and wife and my niece. I long to watch as these special needs angels grow and become amazing beings. To see all my hard work as it continues to change lives long after I am no longer part of them. I long for a close relationship with GOD. One like I had when I was a kid when I shared everything with him and every night pictured myself crawling in to HIS lap to fall asleep safe and secure. I long for helping others, being a light in the darkness. I long for children to love and help shape and allow them to grow in to amazing beings that bring hope and light into the world. I long for so much. And I will miss all of this. All of those that I love if I lose this battle. No matter what anger and frustration others may have hearing this it doesn’t change the truth of it in my heart.

I just need an end to this battle. Not months from here but now. I want there to be silence to noise and screaming voice in my head that remind me each day I was born broken, unworthy of love and being claimed. I am tired of hearing I am simply something to be drained of used for my good and tossed aside because I don’t really matter.

Just go isn’t so easy.

Not when I no longer have the energy strength or will to fight or even hope.

I am just tired.

So very very tired.

And I know it’s time. I have heard it a million times before. Each time I cut, starve or overdose. It is time for an end. And this time I know it’s for real.

I have lost myself and no longer know how to find a way back.

I am sorry. I know that doesn’t fix it or make the pain less. But it’s all I have to offer.

I will give from heart to those around me until I can no longer do so and then it will be time to go.

Because I am just so very very tired.

Trying not to freak out….

Published October 16, 2014 by ANA'sone

Talk with my therapist today. She called saying she had made it up to the second highest person at our CMH to get funding approved to send me inpatient. I let her know I had turned in all my paperwork and that we should stick with the original plan which would be December so I can get aides trained. She replied then you need to be getting some nutrition in and hydrating so we can keep you alive till then. She then said go a drink a Boost right now. I said not that easy and she became very firm…. Not quite sure I have heard this tone from her… She said go drink a boost and hydrate or it’s a court order to the hospital. We are out of time and I won’t stand by and let you die.

So I am trying not to freak out.

I have never lied to my therapist but I don’t know that I can do what she is asking and the option of leaving here is two days is unrealistic.

Crap crap crap I will lose it. Just get in my car and disappear. Now is not good timing.

You’re living in fear that no one will hear your call

Published October 16, 2014 by ANA'sone

Slowly fading away, you’re lost and so afraid
Where is the hope in a world so cold?
Looking for a distant light, someone who can save a life
You’re living in fear that no one will hear your cry
Can you save me now?

Your heart is full of broken dreams, just a fading memory
And everything’s gone but the pain carries on
Lost in the rain again, when will it ever end?
The arms of relief seem so out of reach”

Read more: Red – Not Alone Lyrics | MetroLyrics

I feel so lost today. I spent the day in town waiting for an apt at 1pm and it was good to get out of the house. But it surprises me how much social anxiety is becoming more evident. Give me a kid to take to town, to the mall no problem but on my own I have to have my headset in and by the time I have spent less then an hour in the mall I am ready to tear my skin off. Jump. Cut. Anything to wipe away this growing feeling of impending doom.

I am so messed up right now.

I went in to turn in my paperwork for insurance that could pay for my treatment. Two weeks ago when I brought it in the lady said we don’t take papers anymore you have to scan them. Well the thought of scanning 60 pages was so overwhelming. I called the supervisor leaving a message but never hear back. So today I decide to buck up and just go do it. I was so anxiety ridden thinking I would have to spend an hour or two doing that. I get to the DHS office and there is a sign saying your Casemanager and case number had to be on every page or it needed to be scanned. So I walk up to the window and say I need to turn these in. The lady asks if my number is on all of them I say yes and she says thanks. Two fucking weeks wasted because the first woman I talked to was too lazy to take my paperwork and put it in a box. I am running out of time and she was just too lazy. I didn’t matter in that moment. I was just another face… Another person needing. So now I have wasted two weeks. Two weeks torture and hell. Because I didn’t matter enough in that moment to warrant her help. And I think story of my life.

I am losing faster then I can hold on. VRFF day 4 ANA I am exhausted. Having a lot of kidney pain. I caved and drank like 8 ounces of water last night and ANA was relentless all night. Then I spend the majority of the night being haunted mercilessly by nightmares. I woke up at 5 and thought there is no way in hell I am going back to sleep because I can’t take one more. But after about 5 minutes I realized I am living in one so sleep or awake it doesn’t really matter.

And I want someone to save me from myself but there is no one. It’s my job to save myself but I can’t. I can’t find anything worth saving.

Another family I have worked with for four years with my first special needs angel who opened my heart to this field called and wanted to know if I could help out. Of course!!!! I have watched this child grow, be overdosed by a hospital and spent months in a medically induced coma and we thought we would lose her. But she fought back and is here. So of course I want to help.

It’s just that I am not who these people remember me to be. Before I could work 100 plus hours a week. Right now getting close to even 40 feels overwhelming and I don’t have the strength. But I don’t know how to not be who they need me to be. I a frail shell of who I used to be. A thin fragile whisper of who used to be here.

And I have nothing left to give anymore but the needs never stop.

I am slowly fading away.

Living in a fear that no one will hear my cry.

And that I will win this battle with the cost of my life.

That the only way to end this endless hurricane is to lose my life.

It’s too late for me isn’t it?

I just waited too long pretending to be a fortress when I was a crumbling building because I wanted to be what others needed. I wanted to love and help.

Such a high cost.

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