My tank has been empty for a while and physically from the overdose and the meds to counter act it and not eating or drinking for four days and now no family and my world just keeps getting smaller and smaller and I feel like I am a four year old wandering in the dark sense forest at night lost and cold and forgotten and scared but at the same time hoping a tiger or monster will come out and just eat me to get this over with because my hands and knees are scraped and bruised and bleeding and I can barely pick up one foot in front of the other and though it would hurt to be eaten at first eventually it would be such a sweet release cause I can’t breath or see or find any light and I don’t know how I can continue doing this.
That’s brutal and I shouldn’t say that it’s not fair but it’s honestly how I feel.
“I want to paint my face
And pretend that I am someone else
Sometimes I get so fed up
I don’t even want to look at myself
But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don’t want you to think I’m complaining all the time
And I hate the way you look at me I have to say
I wish I could start over
I am slowly falling apart
I wish you’d take a walk in my shoes for a start
You might think it’s easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty
Sometimes I find myself shaking
In the middle of the night
And then it hits me and I can’t
Even believe this is my life
But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don’t want you to think I’m complaining all the time
And I wish that everyone would go and shut their mouths
I’m not strong enough to deal with it”
Today is just such difficult day I am falling apart faster then I can hold myself together. I went to the gym this morning and then after I am about 30 minutes in a girl comes who has an eating disorder too and my brain just starts going crazy. Stupid ANA. She just keeps screaming how fat I am compared to this girl and I am starting to have a panic attack. I just kept pushing myself though. But then people get on machines on both sides of me and I can’t handle that. I am not a claustrophobic person but when it comes to working out I need my space. So I switch to running on the treadmill and more people come and it happens again and I just lose it. This is why I work out after midnight because I don’t have to deal with people. In public it is not so hard but at the gym I just don’t know why it feels that way.
So I come home and all I can think is I want to cut and swallow a whole bottle of pills because I am so fucking sick of this stupid life. Never a break. I hate ANA!!!! I hate my life!!!! And yet I am not strong enough to fight her and take back my life.
So instead I chop 12 inches off my hair hoping that cutting my hair will satisfy the need to cut. But I am struggling so much right now I don’t know if I can make it through the day and not cut. It has been 6 weeks and I don’t want to blow that I just can’t seem to manage the tsunami of emotions rolling inside of me right now. As the tears stream down my face all I can think is I just want this to be over. I just want peace.
How did I get here? I can’t believe this is my life. I am not strong enough to deal with this.
Although I absolutely love my job and my little angels. Today has been incredibly difficult to be at work. I have found myself going back and forth between trying to hold in the tears, anxiety ridden and just wanting to walk out the door.
It’s a blessing and a curse to have the next two days off. I am just so very tired I need sleep but I also know it will be the devils playground for my ANA behaviors to threaten things.
My world gets smaller and smaller as I go. I have had a friend I have kept at bay for a while. Most people don’t know how to see me as anything else but the strong one so when I am transparent it usually gets me in trouble and I often go through more trouble then it’s worth. But this friend has kind of been unrelenting and so I finally opened up and now there is nothing but silence. Of course my mind fills in all the gaps but I still feel like I made a horrible decision today.
It is best to keep people at a distance because the person who is at the bottom of who I am is a broken mess and people just don’t know how to handle it.
Hope is not something I seem to have even a drop of today.
“If ever there is a tomorrow when we’re not together… there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.”
I have almost 5 hours of work left. I am finding this afternoon hard to be at work. Do so many days in a row of 12-15 hour shifts start to wear on me. I feel emotionally and physically exhausted.
I don’t feel so hopeful tonight. Truth is I just want this all done and over with. So many strong urges today. I am so tired of trying to make people happy. Of feeling guilty for my feelings and choices because those I love and who love me don’t think they are right or understand.
In all honesty tonight I just want to quit. It’s weak and wimpy but I don’t care. I feel done. Like I have reached the end of myself. Doesn’t matter how many things I have tried and conquered this last week or two. I am paper thin and torn.
I tried eating today. I mean I did. And it’s just so overwhelming. I want a shut off valve for my brain. Shut off valve for ANA.
Why try when there is no point. I welcome death right now. “I know I will eventually die. Truth is I will have wished for death long before if has found me.”
These last two weeks feel like they have been a cross between a whirlwind and an F5 tornado. I have had so many ups and downs. I decided to brave the odds and eat somewhat like a normal person for a total of six days these past two weeks. Each bite made me want to vomit as the tears flowed down my cheeks. And I wanted to carve my skin to silence the screams from ANA. Each bite was like willingly drinking battery acid. I kept saying push through until you see Darcy she can help you work through this. She can help you fight the lies. Because I have been in starvation mode for so long I of course gained some weight. Because of the extent to which I go it usually takes about a month for my body to normalize out. Given that I abuse laxatives I won’t have a BM for atleast 10-14 days, I retain water like crazy and my body refuses to let go of anything for fear I will switch back. Every time I have been in hospital before it has always blown the doctors away as I gain so quickly and it isn’t until that 4-6 week marker that they get what is happening when I start losing again. For me it is my worst nightmare. Can’t go to the hospital because they are going to make me fat. And it’s true.
But I wanted to try. Wanted to declare war on ANA and take back what is mine and turn towards life. Because as dark as it is and as hopeless as I feel in the end I don’t want to die. I just can’t seem to find a way out. I am surprised on my own I was able to do this. My suicidal ideation was at an all time high because I kept hearing it is better to be dead then fat. I really wanted to be able to walk in to my therapist office and have something to make her proud of.
But I should have known
I should have known I cannot accomplish this on my own. I should have known trying to fight the voices by myself was simply unrealistic. I need help to do this.
Since the permanent dissolving of my family, my fallout with my friend and a family I work for I weakened and then just stopped eating all together. Having to tell my story twice for a total of three hours Thursday to my new doc and the intake worker who might be able to get me in to see a psychiatrist in October (I will be long gone by then. A month and a half short of October I will have finished this) has also taken it’s toll on me. I have been unable to eat for 5 days now. I did have a small forks worth of a cinnamon roll this morning only because this family I work for has started a small bakery and she knows I struggle with an eating disorder so she is always using her baked goods to get me to eat something. I relented once today but couldn’t do anything else. Another fall out from my internal raging war is all of a sudden liquids have become a problem too. I don’t know if any of you have had this struggle too. I just have this insane fear no matter how thirsty I am it will make me fatter or I won’t lose fast enough. So today after working 15 hours I think I managed to get 10 ounces in. It’s quite pathetic really.
I just know this will set me back even further. When I wrote my contract for my therapist I had to detach myself from it. And I know I wrote so clearly what signs were the end and what dangers there were for me. I did this during my eating days when my brain function was somewhat working.
Now that I am back to malnourished my plan is to go in there and take it back Wednesday cause there is no way I can stick to all of the 13 things I wrote to precede a hospitalization. No matter how realistic and how good they are I just can’t do it. It gives me anxiety thinking she has it right now. Even though I made it clear it would need to be signed to be in affect. But even unsigned I just want it back.
These battles we fight are exhausting. And I am such a weak person. I simply want to lay down and quit. Tonight all I could think as I drove home at almost midnight was how relieved my final Moments of recognition would be if a driver crossed the center line and hit me head on. That’s terrible I know. But at least this would be over. My body and soul ache from the wounds from this war and I just want peace from it all.
Today has been as struggle as all the others days that run together do. But I decided today to find the beauty in my scars. I was trying to capture a moment that was melting my heart. I just didn’t realize that tonight as I got home and the tears flow looking at the picture the unspoken words of hope that shine through.
I have been abused and abandoned. I have walk away from all I love as I set out in this journey through this monster that is eating me alive. I have dug in my own skin the putrid hatred I have for myself and the horrific story of what I have endured in my heart. And sometimes the pain and brokenness just spew nothing but hopelessness.
But tonight as I look at this picture I am in love. I see my sweet 15 year old Angel with violent autism whose life has been torn to shreds over the past 10 months reaching out to connect. I didn’t ask her to she just did it for the majority of the hour walk to and from the beach.
And I remembered. My life has blessed others. In the midst of the chaos and death that runs my life there is still love and hope flowing out to the others whose lives I am gifted to touch. People always say “it takes a special kind of person to do this.” And “what a blessing you are to these kids and their families” but I always always reply back “these kids teach me more about life and loving others then I could ever teach them ANYTHING! I am truly the blessed one!!!”
Today I live in love’s shadow and am warmed by this life. I did not want to be at work when I woke up I would just as soon be locked up safe at home but the truth or the matter is…. I wouldn’t have missed this moment for all the world! This moment, that action overshadows my scars and reminds me the beautiful gift I have been given to love another.
I count today as a small victory in the midst of the darkness.