I really kinda feel like that is what we are after sometimes. As I sit here in my observation room at the hospital yet again I am quite discouraged. I keep getting angry at myself for muffing it up this whole suicide thing but then I was reminded by the hospital CAC worker tonight as he said” you have been suicidal pretty much your whole life who do you think it is keeping you alive all those times?
I have no doubt it is a GOD I feel so lost from. ONE who’s doors I don’t dare to even darken with my shadow anymore.
So long it’s been since I walked this road it is hard not to feel like a failure right now. I realize I just did 30 days inpatient but it has been almost 14 years prior to that before taking my life was a daily battle. Now not even on the outside for 4 whole days I am back to my prison. Only worse. They cannot find a facility to take me. The one I just got out feels I need a more structured placement like a state hospital. Due to my eating disorder and a lot of places are refusing room on this alone because treating one is so complicated.
While I can take a Family Medical Leave of Absence it is unpaid and I have no idea how I will afford rent next month nor pay all my bills. I guess one plus side is at least I won’t have therapy bill anymore. I want to scream at her and say weren’t you the one who pointed out all the traumas that I had been through that recently brought up my PTSD and yet the day of my discharge you send me an email saying we can no longer work together? As I sit in this cold sterile room I remember crying and saying what if they keep me two months and you fill up all your time slots? And she replied yeah right fill your time slot? You gotta work a lot harder then that to get rid of me.
And so I have it. The picture of why my heart aches right now.
I am that little puppy that got dropped off at the dog pound who doesn’t understand why and watches as his life drives away without him. That’s me right now. And I think all I want to do is curl up in a ball and refuse all water and food because they are coming back right???
Walking through the desert 
I don’t know what words to use to make you see the value in your existence. Unfortunately nobody will ever be everything you need *hugs*. Think of your needs as an empty cup and every relationship you develop that is healthy and validating , as a pebble. That cup needs to be full. Unfortunately some of us start without the stable pebbles that should be lining the bottom of the cup , so we have further to go *hugs*. But we can still get there
I am sorry you are having such a difficult time. It sounds like we are in the same boat but for different reasons.
I don’t know what to do for myself. In the end we are all we really have. It’s up to us. It’s up to you.
I hope you can find the help you need. You are so worth it!
Do you remember the story of the Prodigal Son? How he strayed from his family and thought he was so unworthy of coming back that he wasn’t even sure if his father would take him back as a servant. And yet when he arrived, his father greeted him with joy, and forgiveness, and compassion. Jesus told that story to show how He sees us. We are all prodigals. We all fail, and there are times when all of us feel like we certainly don’t deserve God’s love and forgiveness. And yet, He is there waiting. And hoping. And wanting so much for us to return. Not after we have cleaned ourselves up, but before. So He can help us with that. I thought of these verses as I read your post today: “Seeing then that we have a Great High Priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come BOLDLY to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” (Hebrews 4: 14- 16) I’m praying for you physical needs, but I am also praying that you will again find that peace with the God who still loves you so very much. Love you!