Be careful what you ask for. After meeting with my psychiatrist today I decided at her urging to go have a psych evaluation done at our local hospital. There was one bed left on our psych floor and after my last hospital experience over 5 hours away with patients attacking staff and other patients giving a complete unsafe atmosphere I was hopeful to get the bed here at hospital. After they medically cleared me which takes about 4 hours a CMH working came in to talk to me. I told her if I couldn’t get the bed here I would just as soon go home. After all it’s a place I know well but more importantly it’s close to my family. Her response was “you can’t just go hospital shopping you either need help or you don’t” now granted think about the steps I had to go to in order to get to this point. I had to humiliate myself and tell the ER guy I needed a psych evaluation I had to have my purse gone through I had to have my belongings check through I had to explain to the doc up front why I was there I had to be wanded for sharp objects I had to be taken to a special part of the hospital where your locked in a little grey room stripped of all my belongings including clothes and forced to be put in a gown. Does that sound like I am just doing some hospital shopping to you? I tell the doc back there I have a date and a plan and I am suicidal. I tell her the same thing. Sound sane yet? But she continued to be rude to me and asked if I really needed help. What part of the above screams no. So I finally just say discharge me I will make a contract for safety and that’s what happens. I walk out of the hospital a hot suicidal mess but because I was hospital shopping I apparently didn’t belong. I get home and am here less then an hour and instantly regret my decision I guess I should have risked going five hours away to a volatile environment because I would have woken up safe from a killer. I don’t think many people if any get what it’s like to live in my head and body. To wake up fearing yourself because you never know if your safe from you. And the darkness so thick you can barely breath. And making it to your “date” seems an eternity away. I learned today be careful seeking help because you never know what you’re going to get. And it baffles me that they let me walk out that door. It took a lot of energy asking for help.
I have set a date and time. I am so tired of walking through this darkness I just can’t seem to win. Meds don’t seem to help and locking me up only proves to prolong the inevitable. It makes me sad to have a life so filled with promise but no way out of the darkness I live in. It will hurt others I know and put my eternity in jeopardy I am just so lost and don’t know what to do. I was just 13 the first time I tried to overdose and the sad thing is I have spent more time here then I have in recovery. Enough is enough. I should get to see everyone I love before it happens. That is some comfort. I am just so very tired. Even back in church now I still feel lost. I am just too tired to continue on this journey without some recovery. I go see my psychiatrist tomorrow she has been seeing me every three days to try and figure out my plans. I know she wants to lock me up again but I am too tired to even do that. I am at peace. To be rid of this darkness seems like heaven to me.
I haven’t written on here in a long time. So many changes have been happening. I moved and got my own place which has been a wonderful reprieve and I love being in Traverse City so much more places I am central too and walking paths I can take.
I gotten involved in my families life. My brother has an amazing wife and I have a fun little niece who’s very voice brings a smile to my face and an adorable nephew. Even my biological mom and husband have gotten involved again. It’s way different then before seems both of us get it there’s no time for fighting anymore we lost almost 19 years doing that or just not speaking. I am glad she is back in my life but am taking it slow a mothers words are powerful even today.
My surrogate family isn’t in my life right now , which has made my eating disorder worse, I tried getting in touch with them Mother’s Day and though “we’ve forgiven you its just where do we go from here” wasn’t quite the prodigal daughters return welcome I had hoped for. I’m not sure at this point they’ll ever be part of my life again. Which in all truth sucks and breaks my heart to high heaven. I am trying to accept that all things have a season in our life but I am struggling with this one.
It’s funny how things have happened on Mother’s Day for me. The very first time I cut needing stitches was Mother’s Day and now perhaps the closing of a relationship is on Mother’s Day too.
Work is coming to a close for me. I have 5 shifts remaining in June and then my four year relationship is over. I decided it was time for a change. Having invested as much time there you would think I would want to stay but I think my part there is done. Having seen the family through the major part of a earth shattering crisis I feel like they can do without me now. And getting my butt kicked including bites to face multiple limbs and hair pulled out with permanent gouges to my skin isn’t as easy anymore then when I was younger. I will miss them though they have been a huge part of my life.
What’s next? I don’t know. I am simply going to take a month off and enjoy it then look into getting a job that’s closer to home.
I have been taking a med that has helped quell the obsessions over cutting and ODing but I’m not liking the side affects so I am not sure about staying on that.
My eating disorder is a whole other story. Though it had gotten better for a while it is back in bad flare up. My obsession reignighted. And it’s a living nightmare. I was supposed to be training for a marathon and a half but what started out as a good thing has now become a ritual. My walking another part of the obsession to make the number on the scale go down. I swear I just give up on this one I can’t seem to beat it. My pt therapist almost stopped my pt twice the other day cause I paled out so bad it looked like I was going to pass out.
So lots of changes mostly all good a few over challenging. But mostly good.
Recovery is hard. Harder then I imagined this time around. It seemed like with my surrogate parents last time wasn’t this difficult 17 years ago. But they are not here this time a cost of my relapse. The last two years have been such a struggle in hospital more times then I can count and more dark days then days with even a glimmer of hope. I have lost so much over the last two years and rebuilding a life seems insurmountable at times. I wonder if I will ever get back to who I was during my 14 years of remission. But I want to.
I want to become the stronger, faithful led, person people trusted with the Special needs Miracles again. I want to rebuild my faith but at an even deeper level this time around. I want to start my own business helping these special ones and blow the competition away like I did at my previous job. It’s just I have a lot of hills to climb to get there.
I am stressed right now with so many things. A lot is weighing on my heart and I don’t want it to threaten my journey to recovery. I am just not sure I know how to do that. For the past two years the slightest thing has thrown me into a hurricane. I am struggling with the weight I gained in hospital. It makes my battle to let go of this eating disorder even harder. I am struggling with staying at a friends because I feel like a freeloader and I hate being selfish and feel like I am taking. I am struggling with my upcoming court date from my car accident almost a year ago which will mark my record for years to come. I am not one to be in trouble with the law so standing before a judge being sentenced is overwhelming. And what does my future hold? I am not good at unknowns. Will I make it out of this or fall back down the rabbit hole. The thought of being back in a place where I am in hospital again makes me shudder. I am on this stupid court order for treatment which again feels out of control because they can force me to do things.
The old thoughts cloud my mind. Will I ever live a life where my past doesn’t spoil my future?
But I want to be better. I want recovery. Even at 39 I want a life free of this darkness. I want to live a full and abundant life. I just know I am struggling to get there.
Recovery is hard.
But I am trying to work on it.
I deal weak. On the last 4 hours of my respite weekend I find myself begging for it to be over. While it’s nice to have money to use towards a place everything else in my life feels like chaos.
I am physically weak from all the toxins I dumped into my body after my last overdose and subsequent hospitalization. This one seemed hard I had two screaming fights with the nurses in ICU. I just couldn’t handle being saved. I pulled out my IV once secretly it was a while before they noticed but I didn’t want what was being pumped into me to save me. I am still not sure it did.
The dr on the unit I was transferred to was determined to keep me till I decided to live but after 3 weeks he settled for a change in affect. I had a meltdown there as well bar arcade myself against the door and scratched the cuts till my arm was covered in blood from wrist to elbow both sides. Earned me a shot and my nails trimmed with the threats of restraints. I just lost all sense most of the time I am the compliant patient. I guess I fought so hard because I was so angry at being saved. I am desperate to be saved from myself when I am on this high speed train careening out of control towards the break in the track that seems to disappear into the darkness. And yet I am the one crazily driving the train.
I am currently staying at a place that monitors Meds and safety. But I am coming up on week two and I don’t know where I am going after that. The place is short term and Thursday is that short term for me. The next best place is a woman’s shelter share by like 25 other woman and their kids. That’s a 45 day stay max but I am nervous I won’t have adequate space and be surrounded by madness. I was there as a teenager with my mom.
But I am homeless and have no where else to go.
I am mentally weak from all the battles I’ve been fighting. I don’t feel like it’s a matter of if I overdose I feel like it’s a matter of when I do. Each time at the store is a temptation. Yesterday was especially hard.
I just want this struggle to be over. I can’t figure out if I have all these gifts why I can’t just be happy. Why I have to be plagued by such darkness especially if my childhood wasn’t my fault. I just want to be happy. Forget depression PTSD and Ana.
So things have just been going from bad to worse with this whole police thing. Even though I spoke with the lutientent on the 7th about my complaint he said he would look in to it. I had filed a Freedom of Information Act paper to get the video of my time at the jail before transport. Today he told me he has no video cause they only record 30 days. So he had the date on the complaint form and now the mysteriously appeared FIA paper and he didn’t ask for the video. Now he says there is no video because the 30 days had passed. He asked me why I waited so long to file a report. I told him I was scared. Scared after all I went through if a police officer could do that what are the chances I am gonna feel comfortable making a complaint to one of their fellow officers?
I asked where he was at with the investigation he said he was working on it. I said what does that mean? He repeated he was working on it. I asked again what does that mean he said it means I am working on. I said what all does that include? He said he has to do interviews this is an internal investigation so it takes time to interview. I said well that’s not good enough because if you are just going to put a letter in their file or give them a couple weeks off no pay that’s like a vacation, time to do things around the house you can’t do when your working and with what they did to me that is not ok. What they did was dehumanize me. They abused their power and disgraced their badge. Their job is to serve and protect regardless if I am an inmate or a citizen and they didn’t do that. They treated me like I was a toy, a nobody. He agreed their job is to protect and serve everyone. I said well you heard my message yesterday I will not be happy with a slap on the wrist. What they did deserves much more then that. They sexual harassed me and made fun of me for over and hour before a what I am assuming is a Sargent stepped in and showed them something on the camera concerning me. Then everything stopped. I said the message I left you yesterday was not a threat but I wanted you to be aware of my next steps. I will be filing a complaint with the state police. I will be calling our local paper. I will go to the news if needed. He said ok is there anything else I can help you with. I said I will be calling to check on the status of your investigation. He said ok and that was it. My therapist suggested opening a civil suit. She also said to get in touch with the Women’s resource center only because I was sexually harassed. So I made an appointment with them for next Friday. I will spend the day in town and file a report with the state police that day as well. I happened to find the card of an officer that helped one of my friends and was very to compassionate. So hopefully I can hook up with. I already placed a call to the paper but the person they want me to talk to is not in this morning so I am waiting for that call. It just feels overwhelming. But I told the lutientent if his officer felt they had the power to do that to me you can bet they have done it to others.
Of course this has set me back on my eating and cutting. I have an infection in my stitches already my PT was really worried but I think just let it go and it will go sepsis and that will be the end of that..
So how’s life.
I swear all my posts start with a triggering warning. I don’t mean them too. My life is just raw I guess.
I worked 8 hours the other day. I have been paying for it since. But I need money. I don’t even know how I will afford the bus to physical therapy past Tuesday.plus I have to get back to work so I can earn money and get out of here to my own place.
I applied for food stamps which in and of itself is ironic. But I am getting tired of drinking the boost which I have been trying to do just so I don’t pass out and hurt my shoulder worse. I got some of the ensure clear drinks I know I like apple from the hospital but they didn’t have any at the store so I am going to be trying the two flavors they had although neither look promising but I won’t know till I try.
I am supposed to have my shit together. Been given an opportunity I haven’t had for a while and I don’t have myself together. I felt better before this whole jail thing but now I am just overwhelmed by it all. I think it’s the fear of not getting any justice since I am fighting for once that scares me the most. I don’t know how I will handle the loss.
Yesterday I got a call from the jail Sargent. He didn’t even seem like it was a big deal. Convienently not only did he not receive my Freedom of information act for any video feed but he didn’t know if they even video taped. How will I get any ounce of justice when the very entity that dehumanized me is handling the case. You protect your own. And then I fear if he does find video of it he will suspend the participating officers for two weeks without pay. Kinda like a vacation. Time to spend with family and get things done around the house.
I have been trying to keep it in the back of my mind but today is apparently freak out day. For the first time in over 6 months I cut to the point I need stitches. But I can’t go get them because everyone in the town I am in knows my job and I don’t want them to be reporting to my boss what I did. I just talked to my therapist and while I only have 3 apts with her left before she retires I cancelled them. Have to do it on my own anyway soon enough might as well start now.