I should be happy. I really should. I have been waiting for 6 weeks to get the answer I did yesterday. But for some reason I am not. I am overwhelmed. Not about surgery or the very painful recovery I am going to have to go through again. The left shoulder was a nightmare for the first part. But surgery is the only way to fix the extensive tearing in my shoulder.
I guess because it brings to light all the wrongs and choices I have made. My brother has offered to go with me which is sweet.
I just feel empty. I feel lost. I am not quite sure I can do this. I know I am just tired from this week of respite which ends tomorrow. I know tired makes everything harder for me.
I don’t know I can’t even put into words how I feel. I just want to curl up in a ball and have someone hold me and tell me it will all be ok. Not just surgery but life. Because this darkness settling in brings back old desires. If I am not here I won’t need surgery. I just want peace from all of this.
I am just so very tired!!!